How Was Taiwan’s Presidential Debate? Sorry I Fell Asleep 

Two nights ago, Taiwan held the first of what people are erroneously referring to as a presidential “debate”.

A debate might have actually held out the possibility of being interesting, but this was a rotating set of three rounds of inaction-packed canned presentations by each of the three candidates. For those of you who were doing something that had the potential to keep you awake and interested, here is a recap of the oh-so-inspiring political sparring.

Providing the suitably impressive atmosphere for the three combatants vying to be the next person to lead Taiwan and command its armed forces was a set with 1970s burnt orange carpeting, a cheap title banner and an overall bored bureaucrat vibe that would have done a community center proud.

Round One: 

Up first was Han Kuo-yu (韓國瑜), the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) candidate. Looking every inch like he got dressed for a funeral in an ill-fitting black suit with a Republic of China (ROC) flag pin, but with the good fortune that someone at the very last minute gave him a nice tie to wear. It was heartening to see that he, just like a commoner like myself, can’t tie a tie well to save his life. At least the tie itself was attractive.

Han came out full bore on the ROC nationalism, providing the only truly non-soporific moment of the evening when he demanded that President Tsai Ing-wen make clear to the public whether she was for Taiwan independence–if not, she should shout “long live the Republic of China” three times while pumping her fist in the air, which he thoughtfully demonstrated for her.

He accused Tsai of not loving the ROC, while vowing to defend it himself. He accused the Tsai administration of being liars, full of fraud and corruption (though not every single person in the administration, just most, he was careful to note) and he would provide the country with a clean government that the ruling Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) could not.

Long gone was the positive, upbeat and optimistic Han of the mayoral campaign last year: This was Han the-doom-and-gloom man, sullen, defiant and pissed off.

Then, bizarrely, about a minute and a half before his time was up, he stopped, leaving a long silence until finally the MC stepped in and announced the next candidate.

ROC references: 18
Taiwan Independence references: 8
Taiwan compatriots (同胞) references: 5
Taiwan/Tawanese references: 2
Round One grade: D

***

People’s First Party (PFP) nominee James Soong (宋楚瑜) was up next. With his well-tailored, small checked white and orange suit with a bright orange tie, Soong looked less like he was dressed for an audition to be commander-in-chief of the armed forces and face the threat of China than he looked like he was there to represent Soong’s Used Auto Emporium.

His delivery was all-in on “an old dude with a mainland accent who used to be in the KMT,” which he seemed to be emphasizing when he said “we come from different backgrounds but we have the same future”. He delivered a message of experience (leading entities since abolished), his belief in democracy (which he worked to suppress as the spokesman for the martial law state), and his alleged ability to unite the country–unlike the petty partisans in the DPP and KMT. Even he sounded bored with what he was saying, but it was at least largely about stuff people might care about.

Mercifully, he only trotted out his hero, former President Chiang Ching-kuo, once.

ROCs: 4
Taiwans: 8
Chiang Family: 1
Round One grade: B-

***

Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) candidate and incumbent President Tsai Ing-wen (蔡英文) decided her winning strategy was to go into full Professor Tsai mode. Clearly she was trying to dispel any doubts that she has a PhD by demonstrating that she has learned through years of rigorous academic training how to recite endless lists of facts, numbers, policies in that perfect tone and cadence indicating both learning, and a devotion to ensuring her students get a good snooze.

She went on the offensive against Han over being an AWOL mayor and not having the seriousness needed to be the nation’s leader, and then went into a cherry picked list of her administration’s accomplishments which probably would have sounded impressive if you were alert enough to take them in. She then finished right. on. the. dot. She had the best suit of the three, which was clearly made by a talented, expensive tailor given the instruction to make the nicest looking “I’m a professor with a tailoring budget” suit possible.

ROCs: 4
Taiwans: 3
Round One grade: C+

Round Two

To mix things up in round two, Han decided to shift his tone from sullen and pissed off, to indignant and pissed off, and devote this round to an exploration on the theme “everything sucks,” namely: President Tsai, the Tsai administration, the DPP, the economy, jobs, factories, diplomacy and to plaintively complain that Tsai has a long record of big property and financial deals, which he repeated over and over, while repeating over and over “but I never brought this up.”

Obviously, that was a reference to all the public beating he took over his large property deals and was suggesting that he was the better man for not using Tsai’s deals against her in kind. He didn’t mention that, at the least, one of his dealings smelled of inappropriate use of political connections and that it was all very much at odds with his carefully built image of being a common man, an image Tsai couldn’t pull off to save her life (by her own admission, she is the kind of fun, accessible, life-of-the-party person who studies reports while at the KTV with her friends).

He also claimed that the Tsai administration is counting foreigners who transfer planes at the airport as “tourists” to inflate the numbers. In what can only be a bid to appeal to youth, the chart he brought along with a laundry list of what is wrong with the Tsai administration was in a font size that no one over 40 could possibly read. He once again abruptly finished, this time about a half a minute early.

ROCs: 1
Taiwans: 7
Taiwan compatriots: 5
Round Two grade: D+

***

Up next was the old mainlander in a funny suit, who thoughtfully acknowledged Han’s points on how the Tsai administration sucks, and piled on some more. He spent about a third of his time on the problems–and the failures of the Tsai administration to address–of the residents of Orchid Island. Clearly the strategy of a seasoned professional candidate, using a third of his time in this round to shamelessly appeal to this demographic of a grand total of 5,036 people will really move the needle in the polls. Roughly the last half of his time went something like this: Reform…DPP and KMT suck…reform…KMT and DPP can only fight…reform…DPP and KMT are useless…until the buzzer cut him off.

ROCs: 0
Taiwans: 6
Round Two Grade: B-

***

Apparently during the break, Professor Tsai must have noted her entourage was all asleep after her first performance, and decided that speaking in a solid monotone was overdoing it when a semi-monotone that suggested subtle hints of organic life under the robotic delivery would be more effective.

Also, she decided to repeat the word “Taiwan” over and over and over again, just in case people forgot what country she was in the running to represent again. This time she again took the fight to Han, describing him in terms that suggested he was either a child, or a very slow learner. She suggested he was not capable of listening to detailed explanations. She lectured him on the importance of the president choosing words carefully in order to instill confidence and trust, and not sending the wrong message by, say, visiting those in charge of ruining “one country, two systems” in Hong Kong. Naughty, naughty Han. And to think she was recently criticized for not having given birth to a child, and therefore incapable of understanding being a parent.

She treated Han (who hasn’t given birth to a child either, his wife graciously did that for him three times) just like the brat she never had. For the last few minutes she also used another parenting technique, constant repetition, to say and stress “defending sovereignty” enough times that the implied slow learner on the stage just might be able to differentiate that from “one country, two systems”.

ROCs: 2
Taiwans: 19
Round Two grade: B

Round Three

In the final round we finally saw some of the positivity and sincere, everyday vegetable-peddling “common Zhou”-style that characterized Dan Han the Cabbage Man of the 2018 mayoral election. He made the case that politics was simple, it just needed to be clean, and he was just the man for the job. Speaking of his job, he defended his record of–entire months!–of running Kaohsiung, trotting out a string of achievements for the common people–including fighting dengue fever, because apparently he wanted to remind voters of his humorous climbing up a tree that launched an armada of memes. He intelligently pitched central Taiwan voters on fighting pollution, pitched clean government, plans for youth and other actual–take that Tsai!–policies.

ROCs: 1
Taiwans: 7
Taiwan compatriots: 3
Final Round grade: B

***

Soong kicked it off by complimenting Han for his hard work in Kaohsiung, and stressing that as president he would work to help Mayor Han. Again–this time with hints of enthusiasm–he made his pitch that he is the man to transcend partisanship and the broken, divisive parties. He promised to set aside party and put country first, leaving unsaid his party is too small to be much at his side in the first place.

Perhaps the bit of liveliness that appeared was inspired by nostalgia, as he referenced Taiwan Province at least twice. His last government position was Governor of Taiwan Province, which he did so well they abolished the post after he left. He also showed his ability to boost things, citing the “two million” Taiwanese businesspeople in China–magically adding a million or more people. He also promised to improve the power of the legislature, and to deliver an annual “state of the union” report to them.

ROCs: 6
Taiwans: 4
Taiwan Province/”entire province”: 2
Final Round grade: B+

***

For her final round, the president decided to mix up her strategies from rounds one and two, by talking down to Han and ladling on a huge helping of boring sauce. “I guess Han doesn’t travel much,” she said, emphasizing that Taiwan is respected abroad, regardless of what Han says. In case we didn’t get enough of it in round two, Han is an AWOL mayor who breaks promises, steals candy from children…or something like that, was nodding off so can’t be sure.

Tsai also sought to blunt Han’s “common man” appeal by using examples of real people who have benefited from her policies. To really humanize her introduced characters, she ensured that they were effectively buried in a laundry list of stats and subsidies and policy changes and as much policy wonkery as she could bring to bear, to finally make us forget her point that actual humans benefited. She also made an appeal to voters to re-elect her so she can continue to bore the public with her hard work on worthwhile, important issues for another four more years.

ROCs: 0
Taiwans: 8
Final Round grade: B

***

In the final analysis, I thought James Soong did better by being marginally less boring than Tsai Ing-wen, perhaps on the strength of his amusing orange and white checked suit–that’s how low the bar was set here. Both spend a fair bit of time talking in as dull and uninspiring a way as possible about actual, important stuff. Daniel Han was the most animated, in a pissed off, complaining everything sucks sort of way, like a terrible dinner guest.

At most, James Soong may have reminded a few people he existed, and he may well have locked up the ever-so-crucial Orchid Island vote. President Tsai, who did a good job of coming across as presidential in her “debate” during the primary with William Lai, failed to do so this time and came across as your least favorite lecturer, unless sleeping in class is your goal. Han Kuo-yu largely failed to appeal in any positive way, in spite of his proven ability from the last race to do so.

The real winner was everyone who spent their time doing something else other than watching this depressing spectacle. This campaign is about very important, consequential and possibly existential issues for the nation. This event was a serious disservice to the gravity of the decision facing voters. It is doubtful it will move the polls, or made the public more educated on the candidates, or raised the interest level of anyone at all in the race.

There is an actual debate scheduled for December 29, with questions from journalists. Let’s hope that is better.